I haven’t written on this blog in almost 4 years, but I am really wanting to get back to writing and putting my thoughts down on paper. I am sincerely hoping this serves a reminder one day of how God was faithful to us through our circumstances. So, here is what has been on my heart these past few days…
Another month gone by, another negative pregnancy test, reliving the same pain over and over again. I think that’s why it’s so easy to lose hope, because when that becomes the norm, you begin to doubt you will ever see that elusive positive. After all of the ovulation testing, numerous lifestyle changes, and intentional timing/scheduling of sex, it’s so easy to be discouraged.
Month after month you start to question yourself and what you could have done differently. You question God and his ultimate plan for you. Your mind wanders to the farthest of places…”what if I never get pregnant or carry a child of my own?”, “what if it takes me many, many years to conceive?”, “Can we financially even consider IVF if it comes down to that?”.
It’s crazy to think that just a little over a year ago, I always thought I wanted to wait until I turned 30 to start trying for children. Yet for some reason, early last summer, I developed an ache in my bones, a desire and longing deep down in my soul to be a mother. Having been married for over 3 years (4 years now), and after finally moving into our very own home, I think we finally felt ready to start a family. I want so badly to have something that is a mesh of me and Darren, to have the opportunity to see him be a dad, to have a child to raise up in the way of the Lord. I never imagined that the process would be so difficult and heart breaking.
Honestly, I know we serve a faithful God, and I know He’s proven himself to me time and time again, but even as a Christian you sometimes wonder when will it ever be “easy”. Darren was very unhappy in his job situation when we first got married and were living in Charleston, and it took a little over a year for him to get back on with Duke Energy in Charlotte, where he now absolutely loves his job. We bid on homes for a year straight in Charlotte until we finally were able to become home owners, and it was a very stressful, disheartening process. We are so happy in the home God provided for us. Now, here we are, a year into trying to conceive, and the Lord has not yet answered our prayer. Maybe God is trying to tell me I haven’t learned enough about patience and trusting in Him yet, but friends, if I’m being honest, that doesn’t make it any easier.
People say “your time will come”, or “you need to relax and stop “trying” “. Neither of these statements are helpful or encouraging. Infertility is a true condition, not something that “relaxing” will cure. These kind of statements can lead people to believe “they” are the problem or cause for the infertility, when self criticism is already present. In reading other blog posts from women like me who are struggling in the same way, I was reminded that having a family does not equal fulfillment. We must first and foremost be satisfied in Christ..nothing else will ever complete us.
Don’t get me wrong, Darren and I love each other deeply, and we are so thankful and happy for the life we have built together. I love our family the way it is now, dog child and all. We have had so many great opportunities over the past few years to travel and do things on a whim that we wouldn’t have been able to do had I been pregnant or if we already had children. But for those of you, like me, who have always desired to have a family, including children of your own, unexplained infertility is a daily mental, physical, and emotional battle. You never picture this when you decide you want to start a family, but it is very raw, and real.
I know that we will come out better and stronger because of this, but I ask for your prayers during this difficult season. Pray for hope even when when we feel hopeless. Pray for joy, even in the midst of our current situation. Pray for gratitude, for the ways that God has already proven himself faithful to us. Pray that in spite of our challenges, we will not grow weary in encouraging and lifting up those around us. And lastly, if you have friends who are struggling in the same way, let them know you care. Don’t offer “advice”. Don’t try to tell them how to fix it. Just be present. Listen. And most of all, Pray.